Real-Time Thoughts: On Freedom, Timing and Having Children
My periods are becoming noticeably lighter these days.
It’s only my second full day and already it looks like it’s coming to an end. Is it perhaps just a coincidence? A result of coming off the copper coil late last year perhaps?
Or could it be that my periods slowing down are an indication of my fertility declining… my window for having children beginning to close? These were my thoughts thirty minutes ago as I was soaking in a bubble bath.
The thoughts continued…
If it is the latter, why do I still feel no sense of urgency to do something about it? Why don’t I feel the need to book an appointment, check my fertility, take control of the situation in a more “logical” way? To stop turning away good men I could probably settle with, instead of continuing to believe in and hold out for my big love?
The exact words my gynaecologist, at the aforementioned coil-removing visit, were: “If I do want kids, why don’t I just find someone who isn’t an absolute asshole and make it happen?”
What I told her, is what I’ll repeat here…
“I have to wait for the feeling to arrive first.” That deep, inner guidance that tells me now is the time.
Perhaps it will happen if slash when I’m lucky enough to fall in love again. Or even if not, I’ve always said that if this undeniable feeling arrives and I don’t have a partner, I would still have a child on my own. However without it, I cannot act …because in the end, doing so would be a recipe for regret in the making.
Regret is a funny thing, isn’t it. You can regret something you do and regret something you don’t. But so far, in my 35 years of life, I can honestly say that I don’t have any. And I think the fundamental reason for this is journeying through life following my inner guide.
If I can say on my last day of life, hopefully when I’m old and grey, that no matter how my life turned out, I lived according to what “felt right” to me in every moment, every crossroad, every choice, then I know I won’t regret a thing.
And that’s what brings me peace today. I trust that if I am meant to be a mother one day, I will feel it and my body will be able to support it. And until then, I won’t put my logical brain to use too much. I won’t create worrisome thoughts of some future moment I may or may not miss out on.
Because in this present moment, I am truly happy. And I’m free, in the sense that every decision in my waking moment is my own. Take today for example. I woke up slowly, without an alarm, in my cute little apartment in Berlin.
I meditated for forty minutes. Popped the kettle on and drank a lovely cup of tea back in bed, with a chapter of my book and soft music playing. After my online German class, I worked for a couple of hours at my vintage table by the window, and booked flights to Greece for next month.
In the afternoon, I met a friend for sports class in my neighbourhood ~ followed by matcha together in one of our cute local cafes. I then came home, worked a little more, before lighting a candle (one I hand-made myself here in this apartment) and ran a bath.
Now I’m sat here, typing this, as my homemade Moroccan lamb tagine warms on the stove. I’ve got my projector on, casting a fireplace across the wall, with soft jazz playing in the background. You can imagine the scene…
My days here are entirely my own and I wake up every day thinking, what is it that I want to do today, this week, this month, this year? So much freedom, and so much peace. And peace is how I know I’m right on track. And until that changes and my feelings tell me otherwise, I’m not changing a thing.
So in answer to my own thoughts… is my shortening period a sign that my time is running out?
It could be so, but I guess the conclusion I arrived at while typing this is… that remaining time is mine. Mine to spend how I choose. And mine to trust.
